Is this my life? This cannot be my life.
Coffee’s brewing in the kitchen. Robins sing outside my window. I have two essays and an oral exam, then I’m done with finals and moving on with summer classes. Hippie Boy, Boy Romeo, Blackbird, or however you’d like to think of him– he’s here, happy, and content. Moving forward every day.
I have questions. I have comments. But overall, I have myself.
I’ve spent more than a month wondering who I am and where I’m headed. That’s kind of the point of the blog– but this time I was wondering it almost silently. I didn’t want anyone to know. I didn’t ask any friends, or tell my therapist, or even write it down. I’ve been so distracted that I haven’t done anything. I’ve barely been cleaning my house, I’ve not been going anywhere, and I haven’t done much of anything. I’ve been thoroughly unproductive. And I’m okay with that.
Sometimes we need a reboot. I’ve recognized the problems and now I’m fixing them. My house is disgusting? Time to clean. My homework is unfinished? Time to buckle down and do it.
I’ve spent months procrastinating. Shoving everything off until some imaginary time called later. I’ve had no motivation. I’ve had no inspiration. I’ve let my house become a pig-sty. I’ve gained a few pounds. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted, and to hell with the consequences. I haven’t gone to martial arts. I’ve hardly done homework. I haven’t been meditating daily.
But I’ve been happy. Indescribably happy. I haven’t applied myself to EVERYTHING because I’ve been applying myself to SOMETHING.
I’ve been learning how to be content.
I’ve spent six years with the romantic co-conspirator having to fight an uphill battle every step of the way. Now that he’s here, now that we’re together again, everything is… quiet. And it’s beautiful. It’s perfect! But it’s strange.
I’ve spent a month wondering on a daily basis what was going to happen. When was the shoe gonig to drop? When was a new variable going to be introduced? When was everything, after so long and such a hard fight, when was everything going to fall apart?
For the first time, I feel that totally exposing myself– making myself as human and as vaulnerable as I can– is a good thing. I feel strong in my weakness. I’m digging down to the core of my being and building myself back up. When he comes home, puts down his bag, kisses me, and says simply, “I love you. And it feels good to feel good.” — I FEEL GOOD!
Is it too good to be true, though?
That’s been the question nagging me. Is it too good to be true? Am I going to screw it all up? Is he going to suddenly realize he’s not attracted to me; not in love with me; not wanting to be with me? After all this, am I finally going to lose him?
No. No, I’m not. He won’t. We’re fine. For the first time ever: we’re fine.
Writing it out and posting it on my blog will be the last time you’ll hear of those concerns. I can’t keep putting energy into something so unnecessarily hurtful. I’ve asked the questions and I have my answers. He loves me. We really have a shot at this. We’re two people with the same interests, the same goals, and the same understandings. We’ve already been through hell and we came out victorious. Now it’s time to enjoy that victory. To enjoy each other.
I’m done with insecurities
I’m done with pointless questions
I’m done with stagnation
I’m moving forward